vocial

I want to know who else resonates with this. Processing is no longer a guilty pleasure for me and you know I want to just say the thought that I had to record this just got out of the shower. I don't know about you but I get a lot of insights in the shower and just when I'm in water in general and yeah why did I want to say it was my guilty pleasure to process? Why? I guess you know the core of what I like to explore is breaking down what I call the matrix breaking down the social conditioning all these freaking constructs right? I had this thought today because I have a she's now 15 a daughter and I was like listening to something in the car music that made me teary I think it was like Delilah after dark and I start I just had this like memory of her as you know a happy little three-year-old like in love with her mommy and we would go for these nature walks and she would explore she would find sticks and you know little frogs and you know pick up flowers and she was just constantly like curious and collecting things and now you know she grumbles about spending time with me it was just like night and day missing that like deep easy love I guess that I had with my daughter at that age processing is a pleasure we got to fucking change this and I'm I'm re I am reformulating my neural pathways as I'm saying this and I have I'm a cancer sun sign with a Gemini moon now that matters when it comes to but I feel like it does like systems do feed us in some way so if you if you're a system nerd like me then you know I find that sitting with my emotions processing them mentally that's the Gemini like grounds me in myself otherwise I feel like I'm scattered and out of sorts so I'm creating a new belief processing is a pleasure I was at a writing workshop the other day because that's my another pleasure of mine and I didn't even I think I read one thing I wrote because we were doing these like reflective prompts but the other times that we shared I just shared my process around the writing like that was almost more exciting to me than the writing itself because I feel like even as I'm sharing these thoughts we're constantly changing and evolving so I really don't attach to anything when I read my old writing I'm like oh that was what I felt like I don't feel that anymore you know like that was an old version of me so it's really hard for me to attach to something and say like I connect with this like if I have a the book I'm writing if I publish that like well what will I feel you know will I feel any sort of attachment I feel like that's stranger is that you know goes to my past but okay cool like yeah we're keeping it alive through this book and whatnot I just think it's wild how we attach to these versions of ourselves that are transient and fleeting you know my daughter's three-year-old I love how my thoughts always come back full circle here's my neurodivergence three-year-olds who's like completely and she was in love with herself like I there was a video I took she was actually about two at the time she was kissing herself in the mirror she loved me she loved her dad she loved herself and now she's in that like self loathing teenage phase parent loathing teenage phase like complete 180 and it's like head spinny to me because I am attached to that that happy self-loving parent loving little girl you know I mean and that's another thing I acknowledge when I process it's like yeah all my feelings are valid to be able to do this practice for myself again the Cancer Sun sign in me always wants to help others so I'm like as I'm sharing like feel this out for yourself my friend I know I don't have to say that but I want to you know I'm a recovering people pleaser recovering codependent but like I think one of my loves in life is inspiring other people you know through it's like my own healing my own pain and suffering if I can come out the other end so can you right that's that's why I love sharing this so you know we are exactly where we're meant to be as cheesy as that sounds I think I said that my last memo and I when I read listen to it I was like that sounds cheesy but I feel it in this sense like all my feelings are valid so for me the biggest self-loving act the biggest self acceptance act has been just letting my feelings be okay I feel sad I lost I don't have the little girl that I once had that my daughter is different now I feel sad that you know certain pieces of my life are done and or certain relationships are gone when I acknowledge that I breathe a sigh of relief it's like my soul let's go and expands that's all for now peace out